Dammit Jim! I’m a Doctor not a Neoreactionary

Ever thought that present society might be somewhat … dystopic?

Ever imagined what an alien culture would think of us? An alien culture like … the America of 1968?

* * *

(opening credits)

The USS Enterprise enters orbit around the planet Progtopia.

It is not very technologically advanced. But everyone is equal and no one offends another. Paradise!

Progtopia is really the most progressive place imaginable and the Enterprise’s crew admires it.

Except for Ensign Chekov, who laughs when told that Progtopians can marry trees.

(commercial break)

Captain Kirk meets a hot Progtopian.

Oh yeah baby.

But he disrespected her! And did not sign a consent form!

Kirk is thrown in jail. His communicator is taken away from him. He is given a brochure for an iPhone*.

Meanwhile the Enterprise crew discovers to their surprise that Progtopia has many problems:
– High crime
– Low birth rate
– Stagnation of technology
– Hatred of pink-skinned Progtopians

A Klingon imperial cruiser enters orbit around Progtopia.

(commercial break)

Kirk is placed in the same cell as Chekov.

Chekov notes that throwing people in jail for political crimes “was inwented in Russia.”

They form a plan.

Kirk hides in a corner. Chekov yells for a guard.

When the guard enters, Chekov says the captain has found some moss on the wall and Chekov wants to marry it.

Kirk notes that as commanding officer, he must preside over the wedding.

They are set free.

Meanwhile the chief officer of the Progtopian military is telling Spock that he cannot use any weapon more advanced than a fan, because to do otherwise would cast doubt on the ability of trees to act as soldiers.

Spock pronounces this “illogical”.

Kirk and Chekov enter a public square to discover Klingons, looting and abusing Progtopians in a contemptuous manner!

(commercial break)

Kirk and Chekov have no weapons but their fists.

Oh yeah baby.

They are thrown in jail again! The Klingons are legal residents on a path to citizenship!

Kirk asks if he could have his primitive useless phone back, as it contains ASCII pictures of Chekov’s beloved moss.

“Beam me up Scotty”

Kirk, Spock, and Chekov beam down to the same square, where a leering Klingon is taking goods without paying for them.

Kirk starts yelling and attracts a crowd. The Klingon smirks and says, just like everywhere else in the quadrant, Kirk can do nothing here.

Spock comes up behind him and uses the ol’ Vulcan nerve pinch.

Oh yeah baby.

“Commander Spock can render people unconscious, which I cannot do. But I would never tell him not to. Reality cannot be ignored just because it might hurt someone’s feelings.”

And because the truth was spoken to a few people in one tiny part of an entire planet, they all lived happily ever after.

Back on the Enterprise, Kirk asks Chekov if something is wrong.

“Kiptin … I must admit, I miss that moss.”

Lieutenant Sulu smiles enigmatically.

“Take us out gentlemen, at warp factor five.”

(closing credits)

* I wanted to write “Android” but couldn’t with a straight face, sorry guys.